The Korean Bus Driver

Waiting for my usual bus today, I began to worry about which driver I would get. There are five or six drivers assigned to the route I ride most frequently, and all but one of them are very angry with the world. I hoped desperately that I would get one of them, and not the friendly driver. I was running late, and the angry drivers always get me there on time.
Unfortunately, a gloved, waving hand greeted me as I boarded the bus and I immediately began sending apologetic text messages. Sure enough, the trip took 10 minutes longer than most.
My experience today isn’t the norm, however. The Korean bus driver will almost definitely get you there on time.
In the daily effort to meet what I can only guess must be a ridiculously tight stop schedule, the Korean bus driver probably runs 50 red lights, narrowly misses running over a dozen pedestrians, cuts off at least as many cars, and causes two dozen passengers to fall while boarding or disembarking. The buses here will affect you somehow, either as pedestrian, passenger, or driver.

My own experiences with Korean buses have inspired the following list of driving practices that seem common to all Korean bus drivers. For all I know, they may even be part of Korea’s Ministry of Transport’s training program.

• Turning lanes are actually express lanes. When traffic is stopped, use these express lanes to bypass law-abiding drivers. Cut back into the regular lane (or even all the way to the opposite turning lane!) at the intersection and wait confidently for the light to change.
• Increase speed at red lights. Otherwise, crossing pedestrians and traffic may hinder your progress.
• Do not stop the bus in designated passenger pick-up / drop-off areas. Stopping in these areas will mean more passengers successfully boarding your bus. Stop far enough away from groups of passengers so that only the strongest in the pack make it to the door in time.
• Randomly fail to make stops. Particularly effective if you’re behind schedule, this practice requires that you ignore shouts from passengers attempting to board or disembark. See next.
• Subject your passengers to a constant stream of 60s / 70s pop songs. MOT studies have shown that Bee Gees b-tracks or Beatles remixes have a calming effect on passengers, particularly in life-threatening situations.
• Use the bus’ climate controls to make passengers as uncomfortable as possible. A good guideline is summer = full a/c, winter = full heating, regardless of outdoor weather conditions. If one is available, equip yourself with a bus whose windows do not open for maximum effectiveness.
• Do not stop the bus for boarding or disembarking passengers. This only results in lost time. Never allow the bus to come to a complete stop – otherwise, passengers may seize the opportunity to ask a question. Passengers must not interfere with your primary objective – purposeless speed.